Penguin, Joker, Riddler, AND Catwoman?! Egads, it’s the end of the world!
Let’s cut to Catwoman bitching out the boys.
“We’ve got to get Batman before he gets us!”
So, naturally, they begin debating nefarious plans to stop Batman and Robin. It’s the Riddler who suggests they each play to their strengths, and create a trap that... I’m still too sober to try and figure out.
Here’s what I have picked up, though: The plan involves kidnapping a millionaire. And who better to kidnap, than Bruce Wayne? Why, that’s the perfect ‘square’ that Batman would work to save!
We cut to Catwoman pretending to be a Russian again, wooing Bruce. Her accent is terrible. And Adam West’s flirty-face is creepy. I admit, he has the voice, but his eyes are all wrong. Catwoman pretends to be all over it, however, and they agree to have a dinner date.
Once she’s gone, it’s back to the Batcave. With some riddles for Robin.
“What has yellow skin, and writes?”
“A BALL-POINT BANANA.”
...
I’m sorry, WHAT? WHAT?! That’s not a riddle! That’s- it’s SHITTY, SHITTY WRITING.
Somehow, the only possible meaning of this riddle, and another shitty one about Russians, is that Russian!Catwoman is going to die on a banana.
Batman is jonesing for a date – international relations, don’t you know - so he makes sure everyone’s ready to stand guard to protect his date, and flaps off.
I... I really don’t know what’s happening anymore.
DID ALFRED JUST DRIVE BY IN THE BATMOBILE?!
I will say this; Catwoman has an amazing figure.
HE IS. ALFRED IS TOTALLY DRIVING THE BATMOBILE. WITH THE SHITTIEST EYE-MASK OF ANONYMITY. WHAT IS GOING ON?!
So... Robin has them flash the bat-signal, because he is a cockblocker? But nevertheless, Catwoman continues to fake!Russian her way into his pants, and signals the others.
“Break out the jetpack umbrellas!”
“Yo-ho, Sir!”
Robin and Alfred are spying on Bruce and Catwoman making out, only it’s “not the decent thing to do”, so naturally they stop watching before the trap is sprung. Probably just as well, because now Bruce is quoting Poe.
But yay! The bad guys show up and a punch-up ensues. Bruce does okay, but obviously he can’t win because he’s TOTALLY NOT BATMAN, GUYS. HE’S BRUCE WAYNE. LIKE, HOW COULD YOU EVER MISTAKE THE TWO?
We cut to the newspapers: BRUCE WAYNE AND GIRL COMPANION KIDNAPPED.
And now everyone is rly, rly shocked as to why Batman hasn’t shown up yet?
Bruce comes to, wants to know where Russian!Catwoman is (nevermind that Catwoman is standing in front of him), and starts to threaten to kill them all.
Uh... Bruce? That’s... not Batman’s MO. Like, at all.
But he’s desperate to know where “Miss Kitka” is, so they blindfold him and Catwoman changes costumes again.
“I’ve got it! I have a transmitter strapped to my wrist!”
“What an odd thing to carry, Mr. Wayne.”
“Not at all. For Capitalists like myself who carry large sums of money on their person, it’s essential for our safety.”
Of course it is.
Well, the rogues get him out before he can access it, and he has another fight. This time, he manages to escape, though not without first trying to save “Miss Kitka.”
We cut back to the rogues plotting plan J (or whatever), and they decide to “Fetch the five Guinea Pigs!” Five dudes in black sweaters with GP1-5 on them show up, and the Penquin tells them how he’s going to... turn them all into dust?
Oooookay. And the GPs just stand there...
So they bottle the dust, and the Penquin now has... a pocket full of thugs? Just add water? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
While Batman and Robin walk up the wall, thanks to some amazingly bad camera work, Batman and Robin wax poetic on the evils of drink. “I’d rather be dead than not be able to trust my eyes, Batman!”
Of course you would, Robin.
So they’re breaking back into the lair because Batman STILL wants to save his fake Russian girlfriend, and he’s greeted by one of those comic-book style bombs (the round black kind), and is trying to get rid of it. Cue every possible person he wouldn’t want to blow up – nuns, babies, parades...
HOLY WORLD’S LONGEST FUSE, BATMAN!
Like, seriously. It’s been three minutes at least, and he still hasn’t found somewhere to drop it, DESPITE BEING SURROUNDED BY WATER.
I particularly love how no one will get out of his way, and even baby ducks are stopping him.
“Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb.”
Okay, I admit that was kind of amazing. Not good, but amazing.
BOOM!
“Batman! Batman!”
“It’s alright, Robin.”
“Holy heart-failure, Batman!”
They’re talking, yet again, about drinkers and why Batman didn’t blow them up, and the Penguin shows up in disguise. Despite being no worse than Catwoman’s, it doesn’t hold with Batman and Robin, which raises the question as to WHY BATMAN NEVER FIGURED OUT WHO “MISS KITKA” WAS!
Penguin agrees to be taken to the Batcave for questioning, and once he’s there he asks for water.
“Over there, it’s clearly marked.” Yes, yes it is. Penguin goes to the BAT-DRINKING WATER DISPENSER, and regrows his Guinea Pigs.
Only... they disappear as soon as they’re hit. Whaaaaat?
Let’s pause, for Robin to be genuinely sad – GENUINELY SAD – that these thugs won’t be coming back.
Batman suddenly acts like he believes the Penguin isn’t the Penguin, then feeds Robin drugs while they’re driving the Penguin... somewhere. They apparently have car trouble, but are then gassed and carjacked by the Penguin.
“Thanks for that anti-Penguin-gas pill, Batman!”
*groaaaaan*
They have a convenient Bat-cycle (with side-car), and they’re off to the Bat-copter!
Something happens, I don’t care, but suddenly there’s a rocket. Batman and Robin are... nearly killed again, but conveniently land in a foam rubber convention.
MORE RIDDLES IN THE SKY. Something to do with eggs and apple sauce, and suddenly the... world peace organisation (or whatever it’s called) is in trouble.
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA...
They’re running on foot, for some reason, and it’s a race against time to get there in time!
OH HAY, IT’S A RACIST STEREOTYPE CONVENTION! And they’re so caught up being Racist Stereotypes, that they don’t even notice when the Joker starts dehydrating them into dust.
Wow. Just. Wow.
“Quickly now! Each one into a separate vial! And boys... don’t anybody sneeze.”
Batman and Robin show up, and Catoman successfully threatens her Russian alter ego to keep Batman at bay.
THERE’S STILL 40 MINUTES TO GO?! Auuuuuuuuugh.
The rogues are in a submarine, so start firing more rockets to try and stop Batman. Naturally, it doesn’t work (pity, really).
“What’s their bearing?”
“I don’t know, Sir.”
“What?” (Yeah, what?)
“It’s changing every second! They must be circling us!”
Er, okay. Robin then starts bombing the shit out of the submarine, and the rogues begin to panic. They surface, in a completely different area from where Batman and Robin were (which... whatever), and they go to board ‘em.
Cue another Zap! Pow! Fight. That goes on for aaaaaaaaages.
The end(?) result is all the guys are in the water, and Catwoman is still high and dry in the sub. She escapes inside, trips and falls (???), knocks her mask off, and GASP! Batman finally learns the truth! And proceeds to give us a BSoD.
They find the Racist Stereotype powder, and some idiot manages to break the flasks and sneeze.
Let’s cut back to the Batcave! Where Batman and Robin (in lab coats UNDER their capes) work to reverse the... powdering?
Everyone is waiting anxiously! Even the president! And somehow, through the power of handwavium, it works! We are ready to re-hydrate! Are you anxious? I’m anxious.
Except, y’know, how I’m not.
For some reason, they take the powder back to the room where the guys were all yelling at each other, and Robin uses a garden hose to spray everyone back to existence. Yaaaaay! Except everyone’s still fighting and being horrible people. Aaaaaand everyone’s been mixed, so the Brit is a Nazi, the Nigerian is French...
But according to Batman, this mixing of minds may be a GOOD THING. “Let’s go. But inconspicuously. Through the window.”
This is painful. Is it over yet? YES. OH THANK FUCK, IT’S OVER.
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